By Rob Walker
DOOM COVE - “Go Green” while living in the lap of luxury with this killer retro-modernist residence. Every detail of this gorgeous “home” has been built to the highest standards of excellence and durability. Oceanic view unlike anywhere else in this world or any other. Futuristic amenities make this “house” an undersea Eden. MOVE IN TODAY!
With an exquisite view of the Atlantic ocean (via periscope), this palatial “estate” sits 200 fathoms beneath the water’s surface. Away from the prying eyes of government drones, cruise ships or lost fisherman, Doom Cove is a decadent picture of paradise as the compound itself is surrounded by an incomplete ring of land barely breaking brilliant lapis lazuli coloring of the water above. Often referred to as “The Big Blue Hole” by aviators and oceanic cartographers, this unique land and water feature is the result of a failed temporal experiment that resulted in the displacement of several U.S. Navy scientists in 1943. According to recently released governmental reports, following a series of physics experiments in the Caribbean, a Naval vessel known as the S.S. Titor vanished in “an orb of white light,” leaving the aforementioned “big blue hole” in the ocean. Incidentally, the remains of the missing Navy vessel would be unearthed in the Egyptian desert four decades later with no sign of the missing crew. However, this happy accident created the perfect place to house what would become the premiere hot spot for military personal, politicians and scientists. Upon discovering the oceanographic oddity while searching for a place to construct his “lair”, Baron Cornelius Clavicle would exclaim that “This blue orb reflects the abyss inside each and every one of us. This place is a reminder of the womb-like darkness from whence each of us came and to which we must all eventually return. It is also the perfect place to build a comfortable military grade home office.”
Designed by famed architect J.P. Richtor before his unfortunate descent into madness, Doom Cove has been visited by a veritable who’s who of international figures over the years. Some of the estate’s guests include Kim Jong Il, Saddam Hussein, and Jim Henson. Before his trial at The Hague, noted geneticist and entrepreneur, Dr. Daedalus Diabolique visited the compound, calling it “The perfect syntheses of form and function.” Former President, John F. Kennedy, never visited the site personally, but led several inquiries into its construction and existence until his assassination in 1963. Throughout the 1960s, many international government “emissaries” spent their final days at the compound, enjoying the facility’s exotic location and countless amenities. Doom Cove has changed hands a number of time throughout the years beginning with its loss to Richard Nixon is a high stakes poker game in 1971. After Nixon signed the deed, the compound became headquarters for the clandestine government agencies known as Q.U.A.R.L. and used as a training facility and base of operations for the rest of the decade. Ted Turner briefly owned the residence in the early 70s before the estate was turned over to the home's original owner in 1980. With such a rich history of ownership, one can surmise that Doom Cove has had several additions made to the property since its construction. With the dawning of the “Go-Go 80’s” the home was updated with the inclusion of a recording studio, arcade, and discotech. Some buyers may be interested to know that the latter was actually used as the set for the 1981 Olivia Newton John music video for her hit single, “Let’s Get Physical”.
Referred to as the “cobalt eye of doom” by Conde Nast Traveller as well as Interpol, this luxury residence is within dreadnought distance of the Cayman Islands, for those interested in convenient banking and don’t wish to deal with the hassle of nosy financial watchdogs. For those interested in more decadent amenities, Doom Cove includes an olympic training facility, home theatre, Turkish bath, culinary institute, private zoo, gardens, winery, haberdashery, medical center, office space, marina, genetics lab, control room, “lava core” and bathysphere. You’ll never have to deal with a maid service or energy companies again! Built as the former headquarters of the for profit organization known as O.B.L.!.V.!.A.N., Doom Cove takes the idea of making a “better world” to heart. In hopes of maintaining a small carbon footprint, Doom Cove rests on top of a live CLASS 5 Plinian volcano, a tectonic feature that is forever ejecting highly dangerous lava and ash. However, this “home of the future” uses an intricate thermal transformer system to convert the constant flow of apocalyptic thermal energy into power for every inch of the compound. It is also worth noting that the facility is staffed by a battalion of androids, each powered by the latest in carbon nanotube technology. This synthetic army see to the homeowner’s every need, waking or otherwise. These robotic manservants have been mechanized to prepare and serve gourmet meals, tend to the maintenance and security of the property as well as act as concierge and transport for guests. Those concerned about synthetic personal staffing the facility, given the anti-robot propaganda in recent years, needn’t worry. Each and every robot residing at Doom Cove is programmed to observe the three laws of robotic servitude, insuring the new owner will never suffer a tragedy like Doom Cove’s industrial “splatterpocalypse” of 1991*. Those buyers interested in the financial upkeep of such an extraordinary facility are in for a treat, due to the astounding technologies at work in both energy and manpower, the cost of operation is nearly negligible. Doom Cove not only saves the homeowner money, but preserves our precious environment for future generations.
With all of these stunning features, characteristics and amenities, you’re probably asking, “Why is this extraordinary estate for sale?” Due to government inquiry, the current owner of this extraordinary facility is downsizing, and wishes to sell quickly to cover unexpected legal costs. Although the world of espionage, entrepreneurship and military operations have changed over the years, that doesn’t mean that Doom Cove wouldn’t make an excellent home for a large family or a starter base for someone looking to get into the world of robot driven diplomacy. However, as with most buildings with this kind of longevity, there are certain items that the new owner would have to fix “or deal with” upon purchase of the home. With regard to full disclosure, the current homeowner wishes to inform any potential buyers of the plumbing troubles on floors fifteen and six, the sentient security system with a mild penchant for voyeurism, and a broken Galaga cabinet in the arcade. As an addendum to ownership, the buyer must take the Doom Cove compound “AS IS”. This modern estate with its rich history, green technology, access to convenient banking and staff is a bargain at $100,000,000, but the owner is willing to entertain “or best offer” scenarios. The owner would also be willing to sell the Galaga cabinet separately to interested buyers. The cabinet is 100 percent original, including the decal artwork on the outside.
* A phrase coined by Isaac Asimov, who was attending a cocktail party at the compound before the mass robot malfunction.
Follow rob Walker via Twitter @timidwerewolf